The most interesting man

Hey Thoughty2 here. This tower of testosterone is Danish man-beast Peter Freuchen. He’s like a cross between Hodor and James Bond, “The name’s Hodor, Hodor Hodor”. During his life Peter Freuchen was an arctic explorer, doctor, anthropologist, zoologist, journalist, actor, author, and generally just a badass adventurer. He is the most interesting man in the world and I hear he drinks Dos Equis. In 1906, after studying at university to become a doctor, Freuchen went on his first of several arctic expeditions, when he was just 20-years-old. Peter sailed as far north as he could and then rode a dogsled 2,000 kilometres north, across Greenland, in the perishing cold, facing hunger, frostbite, polar bears and wolves. It was during this expedition that he discovered he enjoyed living like an invincible badass in the nipple-biting cold so much that he didn’t return from his trip and instead lived with native Inuit people whom he discovered in Thule, Greenland. He lived with the Inuit people for over two decades, during this time he married one of their women, gave her two children, killed a wolf with his bare hands when it attacked him, established a trading base in Thule and led seven arctic expeditions. Because that’s just what you do when you’re a 6 foot 7 man-titan called Peter Freuchen and you wear a huge polar bear coat to match your incredible man-beard. It’s written that the coat is made from a polar bear he killed himself, but I think the bear was so scared of Freuchen that it sheared itself in front of him and left. One of Peter’s Expeditions involved trekking 1,000 kilometres across Greenland with a friend just to prove to him that Greenland is not separated from the North Pole by a river, of course he was correct. The two men nearly died during this trip. But Freuchen’s closest call was on a later expedition in 1926. He got caught in a raging blizzard and took cover underneath his dogsled. The snow trapped him inside the sled and formed a large ice cave around him, he had unwittingly created his own tomb. It was so tight and claustrophobic in there that his beard froze to the ice beneath him, meaning he had to rip his beard off, just to turn his head, which of course he did. Some say the testosterone contained in Peter’s lost beard have caused the polar ice caps to melt, out of fear. So how did Freuchen escape his icy tomb? You’re not gonna believe this – he fashioned a shiv out of his own hardened feces and used it to dig his way out of several metres of ice. After escaping Peter discovered he had frostbite up both his legs and all of his toes had contracted gangrene. So he crawled three hours back to base, prised his frozen socks off then amputated his gangrenous toes with a pair of pliers and a hammer. He used no anesthesia and he wasn’t even slightly pissed. Peter never drank alcohol because if he ever got into a bar fight he could potentially punch a hole in the ozone layer. In the 1930s he returned to Denmark, wrote for a newspaper for a while and then wrote not one but thirty books and several scientific papers. He became a prizewinning, bestselling author, because that’s just what you do when you’re the most interesting man in the world. His first wife died of the Spanish Flu in 1921 but he went on to marry a Danish multi-millionaire’s daughter; her parents ran a margarine business. They liked Peter so much that they made him editor-in-chief of a magazine, which is still in circulation today and is the longest running Danish magazine in history. Freuchen also led expeditions to South Africa and Siberia just for the hell of it, and also because his prolonged presence in Denmark and Greenland was causing a shift in the tectonic plates. Freuchen then wrote, directed and starred in several movies. The most well-known of which is called “Eskimo”; it went on to win an Oscar. Nazi film director Leni Riefenstahl attended the film’s premiere, she was actually Hitler’s favourite director. According to witnesses Freuchen lifted her out of her seat and spun her in circles above his head whilst laughing his arse off. Why? Because spinning Nazis is what Peter Freuchen does for fun. Speaking of Nazis. Peter Freuchen was Jewish and during the war he was a major figure in the Danish Resistance movement, hiding refugees and he completely messed up several Nazi operations. He angered the Reich so much that they arrested him and sentenced him to death. He singlehandedly escaped and fled to Sweden where he continued to mess up Hitler’s plans until the end of the war. Come on, this dude shit-daggered his way out of an ice coffin, he’s wasn’t going to let himself be killed by a bunch of Nazis. Aged 60, Freuchen spent his remaining years in New York where he “claimed”, I mean married another woman, who was a major player at Vogue magazine. He became best friends with American super star Mae West and bench pressed Jean Harlow at a party once. Finally, he became only the fifth person in history to answer the $64,000 question, winning the TV game show “The $64,000 Question”. A year later he was awarded the Gold Medal by the International Benjamin Franklin Society for his “services to mankind in opening new frontiers.” He then wrote yet another book and died three days later in 1956, aged 71. Some say he never died but was simply hired to replace God, because he could do a much better job. Thanks for watching.

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