This tree will kill you

This hateful son-of-a-birch is the deadliest tree in the world. The Spanish call it “manzanilla de la muerte” meaning “little apple of death”, its scientific name is “Hippomane mancinella” which translates to “little apple that makes horses mad”. But its real name is the Manchineel Tree and it actually holds the Guinness World Record for the world’s most dangerous tree. The menacing Manchineel can be found in the Caribbean, Florida, Mexico, and all across South America. The tree is like an angry pot boiling over with hatred and childhood issues, life can be tough as a young sapling you know. Each part of the tree wants to kill you in a different, agonising way. The fruits it grows look like apples, smell like apples and even taste like apples, but they’re not apples. Take a bite into a Manchineel fruit and you’ll be like, this is alright, it tastes like apple pie, but then you’ll be hit with an intense peppery heat, that will quickly surge throughout your entire body causing intense pain and severe burning for hours. Your internal organs will start to bleed, your throat will close up, restricting your breathing and then death will soon follow. Phew that escalated from sweet to savoury pretty fast, but here’s the worst part, the fruits are the LEAST toxic part of the Manchineel tree. There’s a lot more ways this twiney twit wants to turn you into driftwood. The tree’s main source of poison is from its deadly sap. Its branches constantly ooze out a sticky white substance. If just a drop of this touches your skin it will burn right through it like acid, causing blisters and agonising pain. If the sap gets in your eyes it can cause permanent blindness and just like every other part of this sadistic tree, if you inhale it or if the sap enters your bloodstream, it will kill you. The aboriginal people of the Caribbean used the tree to their advantage, they used the sap of the Manchineel to make poison arrows which were extremely effective. Famous Spanish conquistador Juan Ponce de Leon was actually killed by an arrow poisoned with Manchineel sap. During his final voyage to Florida to establish a settlement, in a battle with the Native American Calusa people, he took a Manchineel-poisoned arrow to the knee, well it was his thigh actually. He escaped the battle but died soon after from the poison. But you don’t even need to touch the Manchineel tree to suffer its deadly consequences. When it rains the sap is washed off the leaves and branches and is dispersed all around the tree via rainwater. Therefore, if you stand under a Manchineel tree whilst it’s raining your entire body will quickly burn up and perish like every talent-show winner’s career and you’ll be left with blisters, burns and scars all over. Many beach going tourists have suffered horrific injuries whilst seeking cover from the rain underneath a Manchineel tree, unbeknownst to its dangers. Also, if you burn the bark of the Manchineel tree the smoke that is produced is so toxic that it will permanently blind anyone standing nearby. In fact, this angry wooden bugger is so toxic that simply standing near it for a prolonged period of time can cause serious injuries and possibly death via asphyxiation, as your throat closes up, caused by just breathing in the tree’s toxic scent. Something or someone has seriously ticked off this psychopathic tree, it’s as if you came onto its patch on Christmas day and slapped it silly with its own sapling babies, it was you wasn’t it, shame on you, you dirty tree-slapper.

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